I am not trying to be some voracious reader here who quotes profound passages by famous authors every now and then; to tell you honestly, I haven’t had enough Murakami to completely comprehend him. I have read Dance Dance Dance (on e-book! Goodness!) and Kafka on the Shore but I am not sure I fully understood them. Norwegian Wood is currently on my ever-growing book backlog and from what I’ve seen on its movie adaptation I’m not so certain whether I’d get what it’s trying to say or… I just think the quote best describes this ‘mid-year crisis’ (or, well, quarter-life crisis?) I’ve been embroiled in of late.
So I tried to enroll this school year. While spending the after-shift hours going to the university and dealing with its inconsiderate officials, of course I was looking forward to being a working student again, finishing my degree, and meeting awesome people who write, but at the same time (in the usual MG fashion: changing decisions 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), I was also thinking if getting the diploma still mattered to me or what. I ended up giving up anyway and due to this failed attempt to go back to school, the chance of working part-time in the company had flown out of my grasp along with the hopes of cutting the daily bullshit by half. I was devastated.
Faced with the reality of working full-time forever, it dawned on me that I’ve been doing it for the past twelve months and at this point everything seems so pointless.
You see, I get restless when it occurs to me that what I’m doing leads me nowhere, thanks to the quotes I’ve been reading all over the intarnets on a daily basis stating (in a thousand different ways) that you should put an end to whatever it is that makes you unhappy in suspended animation. But what can a poor girl do? When I feel that I’m wasting my life slaving in an industry I know I’m not meant to be in, an office friend’s words ring in my head
“Hindi ko iniisip na nagsasayang ako ng panahon dahil nagtatrabaho naman ako at hindi tumatambay lang.”
That friend, who shall be called JK (not Rowling), is still with the company and has just enrolled for this semester, again.
The talk with my immediate superior led me to file a two-week leave of absence which I dubbed as “prolonging the agony” because he had hinted that he doesn’t want me to just leave for good. Somewhere in between the filing and the approval of the LOA, I changed my mind and figured that it’d be a waste of time if I already knew what my decision would be.
All things considered, I think I can still keep the job, up to a point. I’d be giving this another shot—a second chance… the last second chance.